First look: script for Leo DiCaprio's new Captain Planet movie

Hey, kids! Remember the old Captain Planet(TM) TV show, with our weird-looking hero constantly saving the planet, even though the writers were so dumb they showed friendly aliens "saving" a Steller's sea cow by imprisoning it on a beach, where it would have died almost instantly?

Well, environmental scold/hero Leo DiCaprio is bringing it to the big screen!

We have an exclusive peek at the draft script.

SCENE VII

Captain Planet's whale friends help him push the giant polluting mega-yacht Leo is sharing with his Hollywood friends back to the dock. With a crunch, it slides aground, never to sail again.

Leo, with a party to make on the Riviera, calls for his private jet, but at the airport he discovers one of the Planeteers somehow canceled his jet's reservation and replaced it with a seat on a commercial plane that's fifty times as fuel-efficient.

Wiped out, Leo goes home to his mansion, where he finds the useless wings of ballrooms and party spaces have been bricked up so only a suite of rooms adequate for any one person, well insulated, is left available.

"Damn you, Captain Planet," he says. "This 'do as I say, not as I do:' stuff used to be FUN."

So remember, kids: being an environmentalist is important! (It really is: we don't need Gaia to tell us the planet's in trouble.) But being a REAL one who practices what he preaches is priceless!