Sunday, October 23, 2016

First look: script for Leo DiCaprio's new Captain Planet movie

Hey, kids! Remember the old Captain Planet(TM) TV show, with our weird-looking hero constantly saving the planet, even though the writers were so dumb they showed friendly aliens "saving" a Steller's sea cow by imprisoning it on a beach, where it would have died almost instantly?

Well, environmental scold/hero Leo DiCaprio is bringing it to the big screen!

We have an exclusive peek at the draft script.


Captain Planet's whale friends help him push the giant polluting mega-yacht Leo is sharing with his Hollywood friends back to the dock. With a crunch, it slides aground, never to sail again.

Leo, with a party to make on the Riviera, calls for his private jet, but at the airport he discovers one of the Planeteers somehow canceled his jet's reservation and replaced it with a seat on a commercial plane that's fifty times as fuel-efficient.

Wiped out, Leo goes home to his mansion, where he finds the useless wings of ballrooms and party spaces have been bricked up so only a suite of rooms adequate for any one person, well insulated, is left available.

"Damn you, Captain Planet," he says. "This 'do as I say, not as I do:' stuff used to be FUN."

So remember, kids: being an environmentalist is important! (It really is: we don't need Gaia to tell us the planet's in trouble.) But being a REAL one who practices what he preaches is priceless!

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